Bastian was speechless as he gazed at Ben.
"What do you mean, 'leaving'?" Bastian asked quietly. He felt a
lurch in his stomach. That feeling...that empty, depressing feeling of... need? Want? ... love? He pushed it away, knowing
there were more important things to think of.
"Yeah, I'm leaving. Deal with it." Ben sniffed cynically. He shifted the bag on his shoulder. "Got a problem with
that?"
Bastian couldn't breathe. His heart felt as if it were clutched by a cruel hand, squeezing all the life from it. Bastian
didn't want Ben to leave. Not after so much... hurt? Hate? No, there was something underneath it all... Despite all the bad
stuff, there was just knowing they'd make up soon... The security of knowing he'd be there still.
It was akin to stopping to smell the roses, wasn't it? You always figure that you could stop to smell them tomorrow,
or the next day, or any day but today. But one day, the roses will be gone and you'll end up regretting never stopping even
once to smell them.
Bastian wanted Ben to stay: To keep that feeling that Ben aroused within him: To feel less empty and more... wonderful?
Almost like last night when he held... Ben in his arms. Loneliness began to set in.
"Humph, guess not." said Ben coldly. Ben began to walk towards the door, intently gazing past Bastian.
It pained Ben to tear him away from Bastian, it was like his heart was getting gourged out, it was like his heart
was aching and bleeding to be with the one it could never have.
If Bastian saw Ben's eyes, he would see so much loneliness, so much sadness, so much... so much longing... Ben couldn't
have that...
But something welled up inside Bastian. No. No, he thought. No. There's no way Ben could leave Bastian after Ben was
such an asshole. No. Ben's lying to him; Bastian knew it inside him. Bastian was tired of wondering and sick of this cat and
mouse game.
"No." said Bastian quietly. Ben stopped moving. His heart skipped a beat when he heard the softness in Bastian's voice.
It sounded so beautiful but so painful to hear. "Why won't you ever talk to me?" asked Bastian in a soft tone.
Ben's hand rested on the doorknob with a heavy heart, and yet a shred of hope still lived within him. Air escaped
from his lungs as his lips trembled. Maybe he COULD tell Bastian... But would Bastian understand?
"Be...because... I... You... You wouldn't understand." His voice broke from holding in too much tears. Too much pain.
Too much... too many lies... It was all too much.
No! Get out of there! He told himself,
He can't feel the same...
He won't understand... He's like everyone else... Remember...
"Then make me understand, Ben!" Bastian cried loudly, frustrated by Ben's stupid word games and his inane, idiotic
careful use of words! Bastian will give him carefully choosen words! "You... Everyone treats me as if I'm goddamn stupid or
something! I'm not! I know there's something up and I thought we were friends!"
"I thought we were really good friends! But then you turn around and treat me like shit! Always ignoring me and never
telling me anything! I always hated how I stayed up wondering why you'd treat me like that! So fine! Go! I'm obviously not
important enough to you!"
Bastian panted heavily. He was so angry he didn't care that his eyes are wet from tears....from hurt... from... need?
All that hurt, that anger, he kept it in so long. He wanted Ben to stay, but needed him to stop lying to him. Why? He was
just so sick and tired of Ben's crap. All this lying and avoiding just was too much for him. He needed to know.
"God! Do you think it's easy for me?! No one understands! I'm some freak, okay? God, my fucking father threw me out
when I tried telling him! I tried so hard to be fucking normal, but then you came along and made me feel like this! You made
me feel so happy but so freaking sad cuz I kno--"
"What?" asked Bastian, softly. "What are you-- what are you saying?"
"God Bastian, I'm gay! A fucking, disgusting gay!" Ben spat.
There. He had said it. It hung in the air thickly, and Ben could never reach up and take it back. It was real. Not
something inside Ben's mind, but total reality and he could never go back. His heart beated heavily as he waited for Bastian's
reaction. Will he understand?
Those words rung in Bastian's ears. But these feelings... And him... Bastian's mind went into overload... Maybe...
just maybe..
"I don't... I don't think you're disgusting." said Bastian lamely.
"Well I am! I don't get to
be like you and experience what it is like to hold someone or love or... anything..." He felt so empty and so alone saying
those words... Noone would love him and he knew it.... he knew it...
